“What’s that sound I am hearing?”
“What
sound?”
“I thought I heard something like miaow, miaow…”
“Oh my cats…oh yes…”
“Are you now breeding cats?”
“Not really. But I have just joined a group of concerned
Nigerians who are planning to go to the Presidential Villa in Abuja to help
sort out this issue of rats that invaded the President’s office and chased him
out of his office as the BBC reported.”
“You mean you believe that story?”
“Nobody knows what to believe in this country anymore,
but we are patriots and Baba’s loyalists, and we are determined to make our own
contribution. Why don’t you join us?”
“To go and kill rats in Abuja?”
“Yes. Can’t you see that those rats are irresponsible
elements? The President traveled for three months and they just took over his
office, ate up the furniture in the office and now Baba has to work from home
for 3 months while his office would have to be renovated, all at public
expense.”
“How on earth would rats invade the President’s office?”
“You like to ask questions. Garba Shehu, the President’s
spokesman and an experienced journalist who knows a story is not a story except
it is accurate has told us that they are having a problem with rats in the
Villa, who are you to doubt him? Have you been to the Villa before?”
“Yes.”
“So, join us. Those rats have crossed national red lines.
They must be destroyed relentlessly because they are terrorists and criminals.
They are in fact guilty of treasonable felony. What they have done is the
equivalent of an attempted coup d’etat! We, the concerned citizens, will not
take it. We have a duty to defend this democracy.”
“But why are you bothering yourself? The President has
met with the Security Chiefs. And he gave them a marching order to ensure
national security. They should know what to do”
“But did they obey the marching order? After their
meeting with the President, the other day, they just addressed a press
conference and returned to their offices. Not a word about the breach of
national security by rats. I was shocked. I expected the service chiefs to
march straight to the President’s office and deal with the rats with immediate
effect. This is the problem. Baba has around him, people who are not ready to
help his administration. Even the Generals, with all their epaulets and combat
experience, are running away from common rats! You now see why some of us have
decided to take up this matter as patriots?”
“I don’t think anybody will allow you to take cats into
the President’s office, though. That may even be more of a threat to national
security than the rats invasion.”
“Okay, what do you suggest, we go to the zoo and get
lions, jackals, and hyenas to attack rats?”
“What will a lion do with rats?”
“That is my point. It is actually a job for cats. Rats
flourish in the absence of cats. Don’t you know it is only when the cat is not
at home that rats become bold enough to take over the house? As the Yoruba
people put it, a i si nile ologinni, ile di ile ekute.”
“Abasi mbok. I could never imagine that a day will come
when Okon Calabar will take over Nigeria’s seat of power.”
“Okon Calabar. Who is that?”
“Okon Calabar. That is what we call rats in
Calabar. Okon Calabar is not an ordinary rat at all. It has the appetite of
about ten men. Have you ever seen a rat that has a pot belly, the effect of
pathological gluttony?”
“Jesus”
“That is Okon Calabar. Not even rat poison can kill it.
And your cats had better be capable. Okon Calabar’s jaws are like this… strong,
frightening. Ugh. In those days, Okon Calabar’s specialty was the family pot of
soup. If you left your soup pot carelessly in the kitchen, Okon Calabar will
lick all the soup and leave for you a clean pot. The real story is that
Okon Calabar has very strong spiritual powers; it is an agent of demons and
spirits.”
“Thank you. I think from now on, I will just be very
careful. Anybody at all who bears Okon whether a rat or a human being… You now
see why Baba had to abandon his office and work from home?”
“But is he actually working from home? I think he is
working from the office.”
“The same office where the rats have taken possession?”
“I saw the photograph of the President’s meeting with the
Service Chiefs. That is actually not the office in the residence. The office in
the residence is small and private. I don’t know why we have to be told he is
working from home, when he is actually using a second office which is part of
his main office.”
“The people working for him say he is working from home,
you say he is actually working from his office, another office. You and your
over-sabi.”
“Well, I may be wrong. But the last administration
extended the President’s office, by erecting in the green space between the
President’s office and the residence, a mini-conference/banquet hall, which has
a hall, a diplomatic reception room, a fully fitted kitchen, a Presidential
office, a stage, a control room, a newsroom, and a broadcast room where the
President can either record or have live broadcast.”
“They may have changed the design of things since you
last visited the Villa. So you don’t know”
“But I saw the photographs in the media. The office in
that Presidential office extension is just about 3 minutes walk from the
residence. Once the President goes there to hold meetings, he is already
effectively in the office. And in any case, was it even necessary to tell us
the President is working from home or that rats have chased him away from his
office? If they want to change furniture, let them do it. There is no point
creating unnecessary news.”
“Your oversabi is getting too much these days.”
“Unnecessary news always generates unnecessary questions.
Now, we have been told that N2 billion was actually earmarked for the cleaning
and fumigation of the Villa. So, who is responsible for keeping the Villa
rodent-free?”
“N4 billion actually. I hear Julius Berger is in
charge of the maintenance of the Villa.”
“So, Julius Berger would have to explain to Nigerians how
rats invaded the President’s office. Is it that they locked up the place and
stopped cleaning it? Ordinarily, every part of the Villa must be kept clean
every day. I still don’t believe this rat story. Rats in the President’s
office? The BBC in its report was practically laughing at Nigeria. I imagine
when next any foreign diplomat is posted to Nigeria, one of his briefing notes
would be the need for him to watch out for rats in the Villa. Oyinbo people too
like akproko.”
“Do you want to keep writing an essay on this matter or
you want to join us? Any small thing, you will just start vibrating.”
“We need to raise questions. But since you insist that
the rats story must be true, could that also be the reason why the Federal
Executive Council meeting for this week was canceled?”
“I don’t think so. You should stop worrying about whether
a Council meeting is held or not. It is not an issue. There is nothing in the
Constitution that says FEC must meet every week or on any particular day. The
President can choose to hold cabinet meetings on a- need-arises-basis. It
is a matter of choice or style.”
“Okay, if I must join your rat-catchers gang, what is in
it for me?”
“Must you always expect to be paid for every service
rendered? We are a group of volunteer patriots going to Aso Rock to save it
from rats. Oh when the saints/Go marching in/Oh, when the saints go marching
in/Oh how I want to be in that number/When the saints go marching in/Oh when
the drums begin to bang…/I want to be in that number…. Are you joining us?”
“Wait first. I think before we go to the Villa, we
should take Lassa Fever vaccination as a form of protection and candidly, I
think everybody in that Villa should be tested for Lassa fever. As you
well know, rats are vectors of Lassa fever.”
“I don’t think this matter is that serious.”
“Still, it is better to take precautions. Doctors
can be imported from either the UK or the US or the Medecins san frontieres can
be called in to help.”
“We have doctors in Nigeria who can administer
vaccination if need be.”
“Which Nigerian
doctors?”
“It is even the job of a nurse. Vaccination is a simple
procedure.”
“If you want me to join the rat-catchers league of
patriots, you will first arrange a trip for me to the UK to take a Lassa fever
injection, and then I will be prepared.”
“Obviously, you are also afraid of the rats, so, you have
to find an excuse to dodge. And to think I have a role for you in this
all-important and urgent national assignment.”
“What role?”
“I want you to be our Pied Piper.”
“Pied Piper. What is that?”
“Don’t tell me you have never heard of the Pied Piper?
The Piped Piper of Hamelin”
“No. Why should I know him? Does he know me too?”
“Kai. What are they teaching you people in school these
days? And you go about pretending to be educated? Kai. Well, I can’t blame you.
What should we expect when the universities are running epileptic programmes
and the teachers are on strike almost every year?”
“Don’t insult me. What is your point?”
“Okay, I want you to be our Pied Piper, right? You will
dress up colourfully, and play a pipe, a flute or a saxophone or a mouth organ,
whichever one you can play. You will also carry our company colours”
“Are we a company and what has colours got to do with
it?”
“We are a brigade. In military terms, a brigade is also a
company. And when you go to war, you must carry your colors. That is
another word for the flag. In this case, you will carry the Nigerian flag.”
“But music? Why the music?”
“The Pied Piper of Hamelin played music for the rats that
invaded Hamelin in medieval Germany, and led them out of the city and thus
saved Hamelin from an epidemic. But you are not going to play music for
the rats in Aso Villa. No. No. No. Our strategy is different. We are not going
to play music for those rodents and terrorists. We are going to destroy them.
The punishment for treason in Nigeria is death, not music. You will play music
for the kyanwas and muzuru, to motivate them.”
“And who are those?”
“Cats. Kyanwa- female cats; muzuru- male cats. We did
some research and found that cats respond positively to music. No stone will be
left unturned on this mission”
“So, how soon are we storming Aso Villa? The whole thing
is beginning to look interesting to me.”
“As soon as we finish working out the logistics. See, our
strategy is simple. The operation will be codenamed “Operation Kyanwa” by the
Hamelin Brigade. The cats will attack and destroy the rats. Then we will
fumigate the entire Villa. The furniture will be moved out and replaced. And by
God’s grace, the President can return to his Main office, by this time next
week, to continue the noble work of leading 190 million Nigerians, without any
threat from irresponsible rats.”
“Brilliant”
“I take it that you are with us, then.”
“Ye-s s-ir. “
“Thank you. Let us go and teach the Okon Calabars of Aso
Villa, a lesson. God bless the Federal Republic of Nigeria.”
Twitter @naijapoliticko
Source: saharareporters.com
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