The announcement by presidential spokesman, Garba Shehu, that rodents invaded President Buhari’s office while he was away in the UK for treatment thus necessitating a renovation even as Buhari works from home gives one serious cause for concern if there is not a devious agenda to keep shaming, ridiculing, and embarrassing Nigeria by Shehu and certain individuals in the presidency all in the seeming bid to protect Buhari’s interest at all costs even if by hook or crook.

If this wasn’t the case, why on earth, for goodness sake, would Shehu, descend so low and lie in such blatant manner? Is that how insignificant and inconsequential this presidency takes Nigerians? Has it degenerated to such level? This was a man who earned the respect of Nigerians as spokesman of former Vice President Atiku Abubakar.

I will openly confess that the way some officials of this government have carried on, the temptation to ignore them with silence due to their continuous disappointing acts, is high. The flip side of that, however, is that one cannot afford to, for love of one’s country as a concerned stakeholder like every other citizen.

As a journalist, the job to hold government accountable is one I have committed to whatever its pains or gains. But one occasionally wonders if Nigeria is really worth the trouble after all when supposed public officials paid with public money treat citizens as fools and zombies who they assume have no understanding  of national issues whatsoever and thus deserve no modicum of respect in how they relate with and communicate to them.

With the likes of Shehu around the President, our country certainly deserves better. He is not fit for his position. This, he has demonstrated on many occasions. His latest gaffe only further compounds it. And those who have argued in the past that public relations professionals and communications specialists might be more suitable for the jobs of presidential spokesmen than journalists may have a point after all with the experiences we have had with those assigned such responsibilities in the last few years. Or perhaps, they are just exceptions who didn’t fully grasp the weight of their choice of words or understand the best way to go about doing their tough jobs?

Whichever, how many Nigerians today are proud of their country with officials like Shehu at the corridors of power? And how many more are truly proud of the overall conduct and performance of this government?

We refuse to set minimum standards of expectations from our leaders. Yet, we need such. If a president is sick and his treatment will have to be borne by our collective wealth, shouldn’t such president and his team be honest in telling the citizenry what ails the number one citizen? I honestly find it personally worrisome and puzzling that despite the much-vaunted integrity and honesty of President Buhari, no sincere explanation has been made to Nigerians on the true state of his health despite the country being responsible for this treatment in the UK at a cost that remains yet undisclosed.

And is it not embarrassing, disgusting and utterly shameful for us as a country that whenever a Nigerian President is sick, he has to be flown abroad for treatment? Are we not scandalised? Must a president continue to be treated abroad at such colossal expense? Is that what we have finally come to accept and endorse as a country? Is that how low we have sunk? What is the fate of other citizens who are sick but can’t afford treatment overseas? What stops us from fixing our own medical facilities to become world class like it is in Germany, UK, US, the United Arab Emirates or India?

And we simply assume all VPs will be as loyal and dependable as Yemi Osinbajo. We think a time will not come when a subordinate might have his own ideas and want to unseat his boss at the slightest opportunity and damn the consequences when he thinks the main man is no longer able to perform the functions of his office.

We can choose to learn from the current experience. We can choose not to. However, I fear this type of scenario might repeat itself in future if we don’t do the needful now. How long, for instance, can a president be constitutionally allowed to be away from his duty post with the latest experience we are having as a country after the sad experiences of the Umaru Musa Yar’Adua presidency?

The point I am making is that for no reason must presidential interest be allowed to trump the national interest no matter what. Under such situations, individuals and sectional interests win while the country loses.

Meanwhile, it appears this APC government has successfully blackmailed the whole country into accepting its way of doing things simply on the basis of the president’s avowed fight against corruption and corrupt former public officials. Of course, the administration must be supported in ridding the country of corruption. However, this shouldn’t excuse knocks from the media and true patriots on the government or any of its officials when it is erring.

I should add that there are many citizens of various classes today who believe the Nigerian media has lost its voice in boldly speaking out against the shortcomings of those in power compared to its exploits in fighting military dictatorships and its selfless contributions to the emergence of democratic governance in our fatherland.

I also find it baffling that the APC chairman, John Oyegun, and the information minister, Lai Muhammed, don’t equally feel scandalized having the president travel abroad for treatment despite the much-hyped stance of their party being against such conduct during the 2015 electioneering campaigns.

But it’s glad to read in the newspapers that the Nigerian Medical Association (NMA) has openly announced that its doctors are able to professionally treat the President no matter his medical challenges and there is no need for him to be going on medical tourism abroad. I believe them. The high numbers of Nigerians doctors working abroad where there are better equipment, world-class facilities and necessary backup infrastructure have distinguished themselves and continue to prove their mettle. They can do better at home if well supported.

Moving forward, one of the things I expect President Buhari would be concerned about within the limited time he has left in his four-year term is leaving an evident legacy at primary, secondary and tertiary levels of Nigeria’s healthcare system. However, it appears the government doesn’t seem to see this as critical on its to-do list.

But I digress.

To the main focus of this intervention, if Shehu still has any self-respect and honour, he would by now know, without being told, that it’s time to excuse himself from this government. It’s time to pack his bag and baggage and go home. His service to the President is certainly not in the best interest of Nigeria. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be spewing out what’s nothing but pure bunkum, bringing the country international opprobrium, and making Nigeria a butt of jokes around the world with his untenable excuses of rodents in the president’s office.

I do not know how far the outright incompetent communication at Nigeria’s Presidency would get before the people speak up to its inappropriateness.

I agree that it ordinarily should not be the people’s responsibility to complain about those who speak for the President; that should, in fact, be the prerogative of the one who hired them. However, this can only happen when the one who should make the call understands his own communication needs. Where he does not, as is the case here, and now, the citizens have a right to protest. They, after all, pay these people, their principal and the whole machinery of government. And more importantly, every form of mis-communication or no communication at all brings a measure of ridicule on us all.

Take Monday’s offering of the Senior Special Assistant to President Muhammadu Buhari on Media and Publicity, Mallam Shehu Garba, that his principal would not function from his office for three months because rodents had taken residence of the apartment in the President’s absence.

Every one with a modicum of intelligence would wonder what this is all about. Is the President’s office at the Aso Rock Villa part of a huge deserted space that no one had visited since Buhari travelled in May? Where did his chief of staff and ancillary staff, which includes Garba himself, ply the comedy that they regard as presidential spokesmanship when the “big man” was away? Did they share the space with these rodents or were the rodents big enough to have taken over from men?

Even if rodents took over, what happened to those who had foreknowledge of Buhari’s return that they could not quickly prepare the office ahead? Why in the world does it take three months to clear rodents?

That infantile proposition, which suggests that those who were listening were incapable of fathoming the awkwardness of it all came from the same place from which they told us half-truths and insulted our sensibilities in the past two years or so. Obvious incompetence that Nigerians have condoned and justified all this while.

But most of those who explain these things away do not understand the basics of effective public communications and what it entails, so we may excuse their ignorant enthusiasm. However, citizens in a democracy must also realise that information is a major instrument of national emancipation and when they do not know, it is better to avoid speaking. But I shall return to this shortly.

Garba and his friends in the media office go about their job without requisite skills and we need to let them realise that communication for public office holders especially the President of a nation, transcends media purposes into a more robust public relations configuration with the understanding of the people at its centre. Without this, the purpose of a communications office for a person of a President’s stature is totally needless.

And here it should be stated that public relations is neither lie nor spin. In fact, a basic tenet of the discipline is that you must tell the truth all the time and at the right time. A delay in coming out with what is true could be as fatal to retaining the trust of the public as being caught at telling a lie. Let those who speak for the President know this and stop bringing shame unto us as a nation forthwith. These men should tarry a bit, drop their impulsive reactions to issues and employ the tools of public relations in doing their job.

By the agreement reached at the World Assembly of Public Relations in 1978, Public Relations “is the art and social science of analysing trends, predicting their consequences, counselling organisational leaders and implementing programmes of action which will serve both the organisation’s and the public interest.”

These are the men who should counsel the Nigerian leader on what is expedient for him to say on his arrival from a three-month medical vacation such that he does not end up saying the exact thing that should have been unsaid. There could be arguments that the President is so cut in his ways that he possibly would not have condoned suggestions to show a little bit of more appreciation to Nigerians and respect their rights to react to the evident structural imbalance.

If they dared to analyse trends, predict their consequences as is expected of practitioners in the offices that they occupy, they would be able to tell their principal that the nation needed nothing more than the empathetic words which would help him recover the prospect for a united country that he met in 2015 but lost shortly after.

Nigerians will recall the tension that gripped this country ahead of the 2015 elections and certain unverified predictions that the country might fail. Not a few of our compatriots fled the country at this time.

But contrary to all expectations, the 2015 elections ended the way a majority of Nigerians wanted and then President Goodluck Jonathan conceded defeat. Before our eyes, the cloud of fear which permeated the land dissipated like smoke from dead fire. Peace descended on Nigeria like a dove and confidence in the survival of the country rose to an all-time high.

Expectations were that President Buhari, being a retired General and a one-time head of state, who was in the middle of the bitter civil war that the country fought over 40 years ago, would build on this moment and encourage national cohesion and integration. But what did we see? Nigeria has not been more sectionalised than now. The country haemorrhages from the action and inaction of the Buhari government and there is a need to tackle these issues head-on in the interest of the nation.

An analysis of the communication of the Presidency would show that they have contributed in no small measure to the situation at hand. It started with the President when, during one of his trips to the United States, he indicated that those who voted for him five per cent should not expect to get the same treatment with those who voted for him 97 per cent. This presidential gaffe received widespread condemnation from the southern part of Nigeria although his supporters drew all sorts of alibis for him. He went ahead to threaten to bring war to the Niger Delta militants and things took a nosedive which nearly paralysed the economy.

Were we blessed with a communication team sure of its onions, the presidential speech on Monday, August 21, should have come with an analysis of where we were coming from, how we got here and what the people really desired. One thing we can tell them for free for instance is that no ethnic nationality is really serious about leaving this country. Not even the theatrics of Nnnamdi Kanu should be so seriously taken as the ultimate separatist intent if we were in a country where communication has any pride of place.

However, the Nigerian citizen has himself condoned this incompetence for too long and he still does. For instance, the impression one gets from all the triumphalism and pettiness that reigned on the Nigerian social media space over Buhari’s return is that Nigerians have learnt no lessons from the handling of the President’s health situation since the beginning of the year.
The implication of not learning these lessons is that the same mistakes and lack of regard for the feelings of the people will continue to remain the modus operandi of the government and its communicators.
And we cannot deny citizens of a free country the liberty of expression. And when those charged with the responsibility to win the confidence of the citizenry are bereft of the very basic requirements of effective communication, these liberties literarily snap and become licences which lead to reckless conjectures that help nobody but are a natural consequence of a lacuna in communication.
What is wrong with telling the people the correct situation of President Buhari’s health? What is wrong with owning up that the President had chosen to work from home to complete his healing process? What is wrong with passionately seeking the support and understanding of Nigerians about the illness of a 74-year-old man who means well for the country and is trying to prove the point? Did rodents inspire the calling off of the Federal Executive Council meeting on Wednesday as well?
In case anyone is under some illusion, it is a great tragedy that a government that swam in the sea of goodwill just two years back is now the object of ridicule across the world. And that an essentially predictable function as communications plays a significant role in diminishing that brand equity. It is in fact, unforgivable.

Twitter: @niranadedokun

Source: thecable.ng

“What sound?”

“I thought I heard something like miaow, miaow…”

“Oh my cats…oh yes…”

“Are you now breeding cats?”

“Not really. But I have just joined a group of concerned Nigerians who are planning to go to the Presidential Villa in Abuja to help sort out this issue of rats that invaded the President’s office and chased him out of his office as the BBC reported.”

“You mean you believe that story?”

“Nobody knows what to believe in this country anymore, but we are patriots and Baba’s loyalists, and we are determined to make our own contribution. Why don’t you join us?”

“To go and kill rats in Abuja?”

“Yes. Can’t you see that those rats are irresponsible elements? The President traveled for three months and they just took over his office, ate up the furniture in the office and now Baba has to work from home for 3 months while his office would have to be renovated, all at public expense.” 

“How on earth would rats invade the President’s office?”

“You like to ask questions. Garba Shehu, the President’s spokesman and an experienced journalist who knows a story is not a story except it is accurate has told us that they are having a problem with rats in the Villa, who are you to doubt him? Have you been to the Villa before?”

“Yes.”

“So, join us. Those rats have crossed national red lines. They must be destroyed relentlessly because they are terrorists and criminals. They are in fact guilty of treasonable felony. What they have done is the equivalent of an attempted coup d’etat! We, the concerned citizens, will not take it. We have a duty to defend this democracy.”

“But why are you bothering yourself? The President has met with the Security Chiefs. And he gave them a marching order to ensure national security. They should know what to do”

“But did they obey the marching order? After their meeting with the President, the other day, they just addressed a press conference and returned to their offices. Not a word about the breach of national security by rats. I was shocked. I expected the service chiefs to march straight to the President’s office and deal with the rats with immediate effect. This is the problem. Baba has around him, people who are not ready to help his administration. Even the Generals, with all their epaulets and combat experience, are running away from common rats! You now see why some of us have decided to take up this matter as patriots?”

“I don’t think anybody will allow you to take cats into the President’s office, though. That may even be more of a threat to national security than the rats invasion.”

“Okay, what do you suggest, we go to the zoo and get lions, jackals, and hyenas to attack rats?”

“What will a lion do with rats?”

“That is my point. It is actually a job for cats. Rats flourish in the absence of cats. Don’t you know it is only when the cat is not at home that rats become bold enough to take over the house? As the Yoruba people put it, a i si nile ologinni, ile di ile ekute.”

“Abasi mbok. I could never imagine that a day will come when Okon Calabar will take over Nigeria’s seat of power.”

 “Okon Calabar. Who is that?”

“Okon Calabar.  That is what we call rats in Calabar. Okon Calabar is not an ordinary rat at all. It has the appetite of about ten men. Have you ever seen a rat that has a pot belly, the effect of pathological gluttony?”

“Jesus”

“That is Okon Calabar. Not even rat poison can kill it. And your cats had better be capable. Okon Calabar’s jaws are like this… strong, frightening. Ugh. In those days, Okon Calabar’s specialty was the family pot of soup. If you left your soup pot carelessly in the kitchen, Okon Calabar will lick all the soup and leave for you a clean pot.  The real story is that Okon Calabar has very strong spiritual powers; it is an agent of demons and spirits.”

“Thank you. I think from now on, I will just be very careful. Anybody at all who bears Okon whether a rat or a human being… You now see why Baba had to abandon his office and work from home?”

“But is he actually working from home? I think he is working from the office.”

“The same office where the rats have taken possession?”

“I saw the photograph of the President’s meeting with the Service Chiefs. That is actually not the office in the residence. The office in the residence is small and private. I don’t know why we have to be told he is working from home, when he is actually using a second office which is part of his main office.”

“The people working for him say he is working from home, you say he is actually working from his office, another office. You and your over-sabi.”

“Well, I may be wrong. But the last administration extended the President’s office, by erecting in the green space between the President’s office and the residence, a mini-conference/banquet hall, which has a hall, a diplomatic reception room, a fully fitted kitchen, a Presidential office, a stage, a control room, a newsroom, and a broadcast room where the President can either record or have live broadcast.”    

“They may have changed the design of things since you last visited the Villa. So you don’t know”

“But I saw the photographs in the media. The office in that Presidential office extension is just about 3 minutes walk from the residence.  Once the President goes there to hold meetings, he is already effectively in the office. And in any case, was it even necessary to tell us the President is working from home or that rats have chased him away from his office? If they want to change furniture, let them do it. There is no point creating unnecessary news.”

“Your oversabi is getting too much these days.”

“Unnecessary news always generates unnecessary questions. Now, we have been told that N2 billion was actually earmarked for the cleaning and fumigation of the Villa. So, who is responsible for keeping the Villa rodent-free?”

 “N4 billion actually. I hear Julius Berger is in charge of the maintenance of the Villa.”

“So, Julius Berger would have to explain to Nigerians how rats invaded the President’s office. Is it that they locked up the place and stopped cleaning it? Ordinarily, every part of the Villa must be kept clean every day. I still don’t believe this rat story. Rats in the President’s office? The BBC in its report was practically laughing at Nigeria. I imagine when next any foreign diplomat is posted to Nigeria, one of his briefing notes would be the need for him to watch out for rats in the Villa. Oyinbo people too like akproko.”

“Do you want to keep writing an essay on this matter or you want to join us? Any small thing, you will just start vibrating.”

“We need to raise questions. But since you insist that the rats story must be true, could that also be the reason why the Federal Executive Council meeting for this week was canceled?”

“I don’t think so. You should stop worrying about whether a Council meeting is held or not. It is not an issue. There is nothing in the Constitution that says FEC must meet every week or on any particular day. The President can choose to hold cabinet meetings on a- need-arises-basis.  It is a matter of choice or style.”

“Okay, if I must join your rat-catchers gang, what is in it for me?”

“Must you always expect to be paid for every service rendered? We are a group of volunteer patriots going to Aso Rock to save it from rats. Oh when the saints/Go marching in/Oh, when the saints go marching in/Oh how I want to be in that number/When the saints go marching in/Oh when the drums begin to bang…/I want to be in that number…. Are you joining us?”

“Wait first.  I think before we go to the Villa, we should take Lassa Fever vaccination as a form of protection and candidly, I think everybody in that Villa should be tested for  Lassa fever. As you well know, rats are vectors of Lassa fever.”

“I don’t think this matter is that serious.”

“Still, it is better to take precautions.  Doctors can be imported from either the UK or the US or the Medecins san frontieres can be called in to help.”

“We have doctors in Nigeria who can administer vaccination if need be.”

 “Which Nigerian doctors?”

“It is even the job of a nurse. Vaccination is a simple procedure.”

“If you want me to join the rat-catchers league of patriots, you will first arrange a trip for me to the UK to take a Lassa fever injection, and then I will be prepared.”

“Obviously, you are also afraid of the rats, so, you have to find an excuse to dodge. And to think I have a role for you in this all-important and urgent national assignment.”

“What role?”

“I want you to be our Pied Piper.”

“Pied Piper. What is that?”

“Don’t tell me you have never heard of the Pied Piper? The Piped Piper of Hamelin”

“No. Why should I know him? Does he know me too?”

“Kai. What are they teaching you people in school these days? And you go about pretending to be educated? Kai. Well, I can’t blame you. What should we expect when the universities are running epileptic programmes and the teachers are on strike almost every year?”

“Don’t insult me. What is your point?”

“Okay, I want you to be our Pied Piper, right? You will dress up colourfully, and play a pipe, a flute or a saxophone or a mouth organ, whichever one you can play. You will also carry our company colours”

“Are we a company and what has colours got to do with it?”

“We are a brigade. In military terms, a brigade is also a company.  And when you go to war, you must carry your colors. That is another word for the flag. In this case, you will carry the Nigerian flag.”

“But music? Why the music?”

“The Pied Piper of Hamelin played music for the rats that invaded Hamelin in medieval Germany, and led them out of the city and thus saved Hamelin from an epidemic.  But you are not going to play music for the rats in Aso Villa. No. No. No. Our strategy is different. We are not going to play music for those rodents and terrorists. We are going to destroy them. The punishment for treason in Nigeria is death, not music. You will play music for the kyanwas and muzuru, to motivate them.”

“And who are those?”

“Cats. Kyanwa- female cats; muzuru- male cats. We did some research and found that cats respond positively to music. No stone will be left unturned on this mission”

“So, how soon are we storming Aso Villa? The whole thing is beginning to look interesting to me.”

“As soon as we finish working out the logistics. See, our strategy is simple. The operation will be codenamed “Operation Kyanwa” by the Hamelin Brigade. The cats will attack and destroy the rats. Then we will fumigate the entire Villa. The furniture will be moved out and replaced. And by God’s grace, the President can return to his Main office, by this time next week, to continue the noble work of leading 190 million Nigerians, without any threat from irresponsible rats.”

“Brilliant”

“I take it that you are with us, then.”

“Ye-s s-ir. “

“Thank you. Let us go and teach the Okon Calabars of Aso Villa, a lesson. God bless the Federal Republic of Nigeria.” 

Twitter @naijapoliticko